Change

What is it about change that makes people fear it so much? It is surprising to me how people prefer to remain status quo for long periods of time without taking a risk with change.

Two weeks ago, i tendered my resignation with the company that i have been working well over three years with. The response from people around me ranged from congratulatory to flat out disbelief. While those who had suffered alongside me or had known how i had worked came to my support, it was surprising that many of my relatives expressed their disbelief at my resignation.

Despite my best efforts to explain the difficulties i faced in my job scope, some still thought it was a stupid move to quit so suddenly. The worst was my mom who actually said she sympathized with my boss. I can understand how she felt having the eldest in the family being unemployed despite it being my choice. She fears change. Being relatively conservative, she felt that such change reflected instability on my part. She fears surprises and challenges. She fears that I am throwing away a good opportunity in life.

But she has to ask herself, an opportunity in life to what? A routine 8.30 to 6 job doing the same thing over and over again. Each time i think of that, i think of Chunky; my brother's hamster who runs the wheel without fail every night. Every night he runs and tires himself out and yet, he never gets anywhere. That is not the kind of life i want to lead.

I took a long bus ride home today where i got to reflect on my train of thoughts. Somehow, i felt that my life so far was only superficially happy. As I said earlier, I was leading a routine life. Wake up, go to work, lunch, back to work, smoke break, home, dinner and TV. Weekends were spent with friends, trying to cheer ourselves, trying to break away from the routine. I felt that there was something terribly missing in my life.

My resignation was a change from the routine. A dangerously reckless move when i had no intentions of immediately finding a job. And yet, it filled me with a pleasure i had not felt in ages. It was a pleasure that stemmed from the taste of freedom that lay ahead of me. I have few commitments, not a family i need to support nor any substantial financial commitments. I intend to squeeze every ounce of freedom while it lasts.

My maxim in life is simple: Better to lead a short but exciting life than a long and boring one. This part of my life that i am experiencing is not the first step I have taken to lead an exciting life but it is still part of the beginning.

When the heart cries disbelief

The doubts about my beliefs yet again has raised its head in my mind.. It is the doubts that linger in my mind, slowly growing to be a voice of rationality and reason over time. Time and time again, i read of suicide bombings in the region, of religious riots and wars that plague the world. I read of the caning of the woman in Malaysia and of the religious fanaticism of Islamic political parties in Malaysia, Iran, Indonesia and other nations where Islam is the major religion.

Then i watched in utter disbelief as Islamic scholars proclaimed, 'Islam is a religion of peace.' It is indeed a difficult pill to swallow. With Islam associated with so much violence in the world, i felt that it is extremely hypocritical for them to say such a thing.

One night however, i happened to come across a stand up routine by George Carlin on Youtube which struck a deep chord in me.

'Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man -- living in the sky -- who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time! But He loves you.'

I was awestruck by the stark truth of his words. Suddenly, a thousand questions started filling my head. Questions like, "Isn't it pure conceitment that God created us and orders us to pray for him ferverently?" or "Why does God allow the other half of the world to starve to death? Isn't he supposed to be a Merciful God?" A rather interesting question that lingered in my head was one of 'free will'. One often hears at a funeral, it is God's will for him to die. In the event of a murder, then it becomes free will, the act of man. Doesn't that interfere with God's overall Plan? Therefore, doesn't that mean that God is powerless to act against free will?

I also did realise with bitter irony that by questioning, i had commited a grave sin. I remembered an Imam preaching that devout Muslims were unquestioning and all accepting of the power and knowledge of God. By the very act of thinking, i was supposed to be a sinner. Deep in my heart, i knew something was wrong. Very wrong.

I began to read. Richard Dawkins. Christopher Hitchens. Ibn Warraq. All critics of Islam. And on the other hand, I read translated texts of the Koran. In doing so, it dawned on me that so many Muslims actually did not read the Koran with understanding. Many read the Arabic sentences without a clue about what they were reading. They only received knowledge from the preachings of Imams and religious teachers whose interpretations would have been skewed to fit their agenda. My college education in mass communications was an advantage in recognising the propaganda techniques used in the texts. The use of appeal to fear was one used extensively.

My faith has become a dilemma for me. The very act of attempting to understand it has caused me to question its very source. As cliched as it may sound, it is the truth that may well set me free.

Finding Faith in a village

Its really amazing how a couple of days in a different place can change how you see your life. Last weekend saw me enduring a 6 hour train ride to Kajang to visit my grandparents village. For two days, i had a very simple life. There was no television, no internet and no radio. Instead, i just spent the daytime hanging around the house, doing chores such as raking the leaves and doing the dishes.

It was enjoyable to sit at the porch and enjoy some fresh sugarcane which was cut merely seconds ago. I had the most wonderful traditional village fare such as 'gulai pucuk ubi'. It was simply young tapioca leaves boiled in coconut milk stained yellow with tumeric. Considering my grandmother plucked the chillis and leaves minutes prior to preparing the dish made it all the more delicious.

What i never did tell anyone was that this trip was for me to rediscover my faith by being with my grandparents who are faithful Muslims. I prayed four times a day (As usual, i often slept through the dawn prayers) trying to attune myself to believing again. It was during the dusk prayer when something struck me. I listened to my grandfather's call to prayer (adzan), admiring how melodious and alluring he sounded. I felt suddenly that we were little more than specks of dust on this earth.

Who are we to argue about God's existence. Does it really matter whether He exists or not? In all the times that i had been in sorrow, in pain, i had seeked refuge by looking to a higher power to set things right for me. And that higher power was God. I recalled so many times i had said, "Dear God, Please help me through this." When my father died, when my girlfriend left me, when i was suffering in silence..

In believing in a higher power, i felt safer, more at peace with myself. It is the knowledge that by being believers in God, we can live life knowing that we can have at least something to turn to when life itself is at its lowest. It doesn't matter how the atheists and the religiousspar on whether God truly existed or not. What truly matters is whether you want to believe it or not.

I realised that the atheists win supporters through appealing through the mind whereas religion win their supporters through appealing through the heart. Some things cannot be described through the mind. Think love for example. Love is an emotion, a high that is brought through being with someone. To describe the intense love between a mother and child in scientific terms is doing injustice to the indescribable emotion the mother has. Faith is similar. It cannot be rationalised or measured accurately as a science. It is something in the heart that makes us weep, makes us happy, makes us more than just creatures walking on this earth. It makes us human.

- Ariffian now prays when he gets home to enjoy the moment of solitude and peace. He still despises fanatical Islamists and thinks that the virgins that were promised for jihadists in heaven are just a load of crap propaganda.

Blind Faith is the reason for stumbling

Part 1

How many of us actually question our own religion and our beliefs? How many of us actually have an idea what we are praying about or actually thought through our religion in a rational way.

Recently, i read a book titled 'In God We Doubt' by John Humphrys. Its a good book written by an atheist who struggled to find out whether God existed. It will also set you thinking about the reasons why he believed that God did not exist. The fascinating part is that most of the theories that were brought forward did made sense. And the arguments against religion could actually set you thinking hard.

I remember when i was young, i heard of the story of how Abraham was asked by God to kill his own son as a test. My first thought upon hearing the story was not how kind and benevolent God was to allow a lamb to take his son's place but how sadistic and cruel God was to ask a man to do such a task in the first place.

Similarly, i find it hard to believe stories that my ustazah told me; of how Prophet Muhammad won battles and told his men that God was responsiblefor their win and when they lost, they aattributed it to the men's failure to be faithful to God. The more i heard, the more i believed that superior tactics were the key to the Prophet's victory. His men's belief in God simply added the willpower and boosted their confidence to fight.

Europe Trip - The Planning

It should have only been me and Sofian to be travelling to Europe. And then it grew..and grew and grew. Now i have a package tour on my hands. 7 people. 7 people who would be stuck together for 18 days, eating, sleeping and travelling together.

I have my reservations travelling in such a large group. I'm not by nature a patient person. I get frustrated easily if things turn sour. My temper is almost legendary at my workplace. So is my efficiency to get things done. Currently, Deen and I are the main planners for this trip. I like doing the logistics. I like being in charge. The good thing about me being in charge is that i'm pretty much ruthless and will have no qualms giving a piece of my mind to anyone who screws up big time.

Excluding the flight tickets, i've set aside about $4000 for the entire trip. Thats about 2000 euros. Minus off the train tickets which cost a whopping 335 euros, i'm left with a measly 1665 euros. Thats about 92.5 euros per day in Europe. Crap.. Thats less than the price of dinner in a fancy restaurant in Paris. Guess its baguette and butter for me. I don't want to have to fall back on my Amex or Visa at all.

We've planned pretty much the entire trip with Munich, Amsterdam, Paris and Barcelona being our key destinations with lots of siesta time in between. Most of the guys know why i'm going to Europe. To fulfil my promise to her.

I still have so much planning to do. And Deen, if you are reading this, you're the only bugger who has not submitted your passport details to me.

How a best friend falls from grace

It is not difficult to define a best friend. A best friend is a person who is able to share their moments of happiness and grief. To confide devastating secrets to one another. To know how each other feels. It does not matter whether the other is rich or poor, educated or not. A best friend's role is to be a friend and never allow a friendship to waver through thick or thin.

But what if a best friend never tells you that he is getting engaged? Never consults your opinion on the girl he is marrying? What best friend plans his marriage and you get to know it only from other friends instead of from his own mouth. And you are relegated to being simply a normal guest during the wedding. Does years of friendship amount to nothing when it comes to situations like this? 

My bitterness stems from the hurt of rejection. The unconscious rejection of brotherhood over a woman. I hold my bitterness almost eternal. All who knows me knows I forgive few and little for their transgressions towards me. 

I treat you now as one of the rest now. Just a friend. I cannot trust you to keep my secrets any longer for there will be another ear which listens and judges over my sins. Only the law and God has the right to do so. Not anyone else. With poison lips, it can besmirch my name; i'd rather let my secrets fester within me. 

I wish you well, friend, for the future and for the life you have chosen. 

53A live @ Timbre

Its was Chloe's and my birthday celebration so we decided to gorge ourselves silly on chilli and pepper crabs at Newton and then come down to Timbre for a few rounds of drinks.
As we had planned our night out for quite a while, we did the most sensible thing and reserved a table at Timbre. Smart thing to do as we saw a pretty long queue outside.
Khairil happened to 'drop by' (most probably when i casually mentioned i was coming with a couple of girls.) and clicked pretty well with my friends.
53A was performing that night and since a friend of mine was the drummer, i gave my full attention to their band. I would admit that their lead singer (a girl by the way) is pretty petite and undoubtedly cute. But her voice, it was just superb.

The last time i saw 53A playing, i wasn't impressed but that night they shone, playing songs flawlessly by Jason Mraz to Metallica. Even when Sarah (the lead singer) forgot the lyrics, she managed to laugh it off in a very professional manner, instantly rendering her innocent to the audience.
The highlight had to be when the drummer played the guitar in reverse as he was a left hander. He still managed to carry off 'Jenny' with little hiccup.
I had always thought of Cats in the Cradle at IndoChine as Singapore's best live music but 53A did one notch higher this time round.

As for the drinks, it could have been better. In fact, the margaritas and our happy hour tequila felt pretty watered down. Furthermore they weren't cheap. I would still stick to Jazz @ Southbridge if i wanted to have good drinks. Otherwise, i will be crashing Timbre agaian soon.